Zalgo's Beach Rage (Saturday)
by LadyTwat
Summary: With Lord Zalgo stressed from Offender's behaviour, he is suggested to head down to the beach for some relaxation. There, he crosses paths with Offender once more and Zalgo intends to get his revenge the best way possible.


"Jeeves, remind me again why we're doing this," said Lord Zalgo as they stood at a desk in a small room as if it was for an interview.

"My Lordship, I understand the importance of your mental health, and I want to find what the main source of your problems are. Hence why we are doing this quiz on all the creepypastas. So far we've done them all besides Sexual Offenderman."

Zalgo's hands trailed down his face, his eyes exhausted.

"Just one more to go." Jeeves smiled with reassurance. "Sexual Offenderman, please enter!" He called out. Offender opened the door with a smirk and sat down across from Zalgo. He kicked his feet up and rested his hands behind his neck. Jeeves sighed, "Please answer each question appropriately. First question: what would you do if you woke up in someone else's body?"

"Start masturbating furiously."

Jeeves eyes widened and he exchanged looks with his Lord, who gripped his horns. "Um… okay, if you could only eat one meal in the world- what would it be?"

"Pussy."

Jeeves' mouth dropped open and he reluctantly wrote 'cats' on the clipboard. Mr Puggles meowed loudly. "You're walking home late one night in the dark and you see something move- what would you do?"

"Slap their butt from 10ft away." His grin grew as big as his ego.

"Okay, this isn't working. Let's move on to the word association part of the test."

"Breasts."

"I haven't star-"

"Breasts."

Jeeves paused for moment and watched Offender contain his laughter. He frowned at that insulting behaviour. "Dog." Mr Puggles hissed.

"Breasts."

"Asia."

"Breasts."

"Jam."

"Breasts."

"Tanzania?"

"Breasts."

"Obama?!"

"Br-… Balls."

"Taylor Swift!"

Offender paused for a moment, before throwing his hands in the air. "Tiny breasts!" Before Jeeves could speak again- to tell him to get out this instant, Offender beat him to it. "You know, a wise man said, _'Everything is about sex. Except sex itself. Sex is about-'"_

"-Strangling a dog to make a point to the audience!" Zalgo growled, his fingers digging into the desk as the wood split. Offender took his feet off quickly. Zalgo raised from his seat, a massive storm with grizzly bears was brewing in his head. Jeeves took a few steps back. Mr Puggles hid behind his legs. Zalgo's eyes flashed red, shrieked and lifted the table over his head as if it was a small child. Offender sprinted to the door and tried to open it, his hand flying around the knob like he was playing hot potato. Zalgo spun around, the desk flying around the room like a chainsaw and it slammed into Offender- breaking open the door. Jeeves covered his mouth. "Sir, please!"

Zalgo sprinted at Offender, who squealed, picking himself up and running. They ran down a long corridor, Offender ran so fast he didn't think anything changed, he looked and realised his feet were kicking up the rug that left a mountain folded up in front of Zalgo. Zalgo tried tearing the rugs to get through but it kept building up. Offender got a grip of himself and started actually moving. Zalgo snarled and yanked the rug on the ground making Offender fall and roll down the flight of stairs- knocking servants over the banisters like bowling pins.

Zalgo cried like a woman giving birth, as loud as a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and chased him out into the garden. Zalgo made a leap and tackled Offender, making him fall into the fountain. Offender's arms flew about in the air as Zalgo drowned him. His anger boiled so much you could fry an egg on his head.

Jeeves ran up to him shaking his Lord. "Sir, please stop! You're killing him!"

Zalgo pulled Offender out the fountain, and dragged his body to the front gates of his palace. Zalgo aimed his foot and rammed it up Offender's ass- kicking him down all 100 steps.

A few hours later, Jeeves was going over a list of ways to relax when under stress. He walked down the corridor and to his Lord's throne room. He knocked once. "Enter," he heard his master's voice and stepped into the room.

"My Lordship, you are my primary concern and therefore I made it my duty to give yourself a way to relax," Jeeves said as he read over his clipboard. "I have done my research and one of the various ways is that we auction kids…"

Zalgo's eyes widened.

Jeeves gasped, "Oh no! I meant suction k- _audition_ kids for slaughtering, my Lord! I beg your forgiveness!"

Zalgo sighed and rubbed his eyes. "You're dismissed. Leave me alone." Jeeves nodded and scurried out of the throne room with his head hung low. Jeeves made his way to the servants' quarters and lay down on his bed, burying his face in his pillow. His friend sat down on the foot of the bed along with Mr Puggles.

"Trick or treat!" He looked at Jeeves for a moment when he didn't reply. "What's happening?"

Jeeves groaned, "I'm a failure- I've upset my Lord even more when I just wanted to help him." He pulled his head from his pillow.

"Well, you're in luck! I know just how to make you laugh." He cleared his throat. "Why do ducks wear jackets? Did muck save maggots?" Both servants burst out laughing and Jeeves pushed his arm playfully.

"But, do you know any way to cheer our Lord up?"

"Hm, take him to the cinema? No… A carnival? Maybe Laughing Jack or Splendorman could brighten him up."

"No, he gets irritated by Splendor's happiness."

"Put Sexual Offenderman's head on a pike?"

"Goodness no!"

"Well… what about the beach? I'm sure he'll get some peace there."

Jeeves thought about it. "I'm sure he'll love it. Thank you!" Jeeves rushed out of the room and back to the throne room.

An hour later, Zalgo arrived at the beach, the sun was shining, the seagulls squawking, the… pastas enjoying themselves?! The Lord sighed- he could never catch a break. He walked down a path and noticed Laughing Jack playing an acoustic guitar like an utter douchebag. Zalgo mashed his fists together and marched over to him, ripping the guitar from his hands and destroying it against the ground like he was in a rock concert. With the crippled guitar he swung it into Laughing Jack's face, the strings caught his old-fashioned-mop-like hair.

Zalgo continued down the sandy path past banks of grass. For some reason there was a conga line filled with at least 50 people. Ben was at the front wearing nothing but a grassy skirt and a coconut bra while shaking his hips. Zalgo buried his face in his hands at what his creepypastas had been reduced to. He went somewhere quiet and secluded from the rejects. He put on his shades and absorbed in the sun.

He heard screaming and lifted his shades to see Jane and Jeff jousting while riding donkeys. The donkeys honked like cars. They skidded to a stop and threw the two pastas into the sea and muddy sand. Jeff screamed about his eyes and snarled at Jane before he ran towards her. Jane took out something. "I got pepper spray- stay back!" Jeff didn't listen and she unleased full hell onto his eyes. He clutched them as he fell- she pulled the rug from right under him, his hands flying about like he was giving her a secret handshake. He cried- wishing he could blink.

Jane laughed manically, and took out a hair clipper. She held Jeff down and shaved his head down the middle. He pushed her off and felt his hair. He-… he smiled once more. He could reflect the sun's rays off his baldness right into Jane's face and burn a hole through her skull.

At that moments he saw Trender, the proxies and Eyeless Jack run after Offender holding their swimsuits while they had a hand over their parts. But their bare butts were in clear view. "I declare this a nudist beach!" Offender laughed as he ran around naked as well, going balls out. "Feel the cool breeze don't you, boys?!"

"Why did I create Herpes-mouth?" Zalgo asked as he slid his shades back down. He didn't notice Slender and Splendor sunbathing before, they were as white as an Irishman. He thought about how they would get rid of those tan lines.

"The perks of being us, eh?"

Zalgo gasped and opened his eyes to see the Rake and Bob looking at him with shades on as well. "What do you two want?"

"Actually, we-" Rake was cut off by Laughing Jack shoving him into the sand and pouring a bucket of water over his Lord. Zalgo screeched with rage as he stood up. Jack began to run. Zalgo raised his hands in the air, calling upon the power of the sun to fill his wrath, his hands began to shake and he screamed- the power and fury becoming one. Jack smirked when he looked back, but his jaw dropped open at the sun rays powering Zalgo fists. He broke into a full sprint like a sailboat in a tornado.

"HADDDDDDOOOOOOKEEEEEEEENNNN!" Zalgo roared and fired a beam ray at Laughing Jack, burning his hair off and his clothes. Now he was fully black. Jack went to touch his carrot nose but it disintegrated into ashes. He stood in shock as if he'd been slapped with a full brick wall of asshole. Jack exploded into a tears, gripping his face like he was desperately trying to give himself a tissue.

Zalgo crossed his arms and nodded to himself. Rake and Bob exchanged looks through their shades, and ended up looking like FBI agents. "So, what did you want again?" Zalgo turned to them with a big smirk.

"Uh… you know, I can't remember. See ya!" The duo scurried off out of his view. He shrugged and went to relax once more. He remembered back to this morning- how could he relax with Herpes running about?! Maybe… he could kill him. Zalgo threw off his shades, hitting Slender and ran to the rocks where the sea crashed against. He was careful not to trip and fall into the water- being a fiery demon didn't help. His legs slipped, he felt them pull apart and he winced. He noticed two crabs and tried to make a grab for them. A splash of water hit his face and whimpered. He could only think of Kelly Clarkson to comfort him…

He grabbed them and rushed away from the spooky water, and scanned the beach for Offender- who was sleeping in the sun with two ladies resting on his thick biceps. Zalgo was reminded of a cloud. He snickered and tiptoed towards Offender, the two crabs snapping their pincers. Zalgo struggled to hold his laughter as the pinchers neared towards Offender's nipples.

 _*PINCH*_

Offender shot up screaming, the crabs looked like nipple tassels. Zalgo howled with laughter as Offender chased him, his tentacles wriggling in the air. Zalgo made sure to kick the sand up behind him. Zalgo gained some distance and decided hide behind a car as he passed a car park. Offender soon caught up. "Okay, show yourself! I never knew you for a coward!" Offender taunted and waited for a moment. "Fine. I'll check every single one of these cars!"

Zalgo snickered and snuck back to the beach. He eyed Ben running away from a huge shark trying to nom on his butt cheeks. Zalgo smirked and went to grab the shark's fin, and carried it back to the car park. He returned to his hiding spot while Offender's back was turned. He set the shark on top and tied it with some rope from the trunk. He elbowed the window and the alarms went off. He got in quickly and floored it.

Offender stared at Zalgo's psychotic eyes. Zalgo honked the horn and banged his foot on the pedal. The shark shook his head about. Offender nearly pissed himself as Zalgo chased him. Zalgo kept slamming his fist on the horn as he got closer. Offender started crying, begging for mercy as the shark ate his fedora. Zalgo leaned out the window. "This happens when you disrespect my authority!" Offender hit the front of the car and fell as Zalgo got out. He raised his clawed fingers at the rope holding the shark.

"P-please my Lord, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'll do _anything_ for you?" Offender got on his knees and clasped his hands together.

Zalgo thought about it and then gave the most motherly smile. "I can only hope you're a fine wrestler."

At the sight of the palace gates, Zalgo breathed a sigh of relief. Offender's screams still echoed at the back of his mind. At the doors Jeeves waved at him with a big grin on his face. "My Lord, I've got a surprise for you!" Zalgo was led through the west wing and into the library. Jeeves held the door open and gestured for his master to enter first. Zalgo stepped into the room and saw a small child in the middle of the room stroking a purring Mr Puggles. Zalgo felt a tear to his eye.

"Oh my… Jeeves… Jeeves, you shouldn't have." Zalgo felt the tears trail down his face, he cupped his hands in front of his mouth.

"My Lordship, it's nothing. Now go, enjoy yourself." Jeeves grinned.

Zalgo looked between them, his eyes sparkling in the light and went over to the little girl. He held her up, trying not to hurt her and she grinned at him. He squealed and spun her around and they both broke into a fit of giggles. "Weeeeeeeee!" He was having so much fun, he couldn't stop spinning, he raised her higher into the air, the joy radiating off them. He raised her up to the ceiling fan and cut her head into pieces and Zalgo broke into a monstrous laughter.

The blood showered over his face as he poured it over himself from the headless girl. It looked like he was doing a rain dance. Mr Puggles meowed at Jeeves' feet. Jeeves smiled and picked him up, leaving his Lord to continue spinning the child about, painting the walls and himself. Jeeves went into the kitchen where the other servants relaxed. Jeeves fed the cat before sitting beside his friend. "Hey, so how'd my idea go? Did he like it?" His friend asked as he sipped his coffee.

"Well, he didn't like the beach idea. But it was a good one."

"Oh… so what did you give him in there? Offender's head perhaps? Ben's?"

Jeeves leaned back in his seat. "I actually remembered something my Lord told me when I began working here. As my Lord always made clear, children are the snack that smiles back."

* * *

 **Are you guys ready for the big finale? I'll kinda miss this series to be honest.**

 **But I got a new character as well coming…**


End file.
